My friends are pregnant. Two of them! And that's besides the fact that another friend of mine is also pregnant and about to give birth in perhaps 1 month's time. It seems just like yesterday when we were running down the Champs Elysees under a raincoat. Time flies and even though I DO NOT feel the ticking of the dreaded maternal clock, I do sometimes wonder what it would feel like to be pregnant. To have a baby inside me…. Ok, that sentence just sounded really corny!!! Ack ack!
Anyway, rewind. I DO wonder. Maybe it IS the maternal clock as I have never felt this before the last 2-3 years. I used to marvel at the thought of a baby with a beloved partner because it would be the fruits of our union, a testament to our love together but now I think about it more for myself. In the sense that I (what's another word for wonder?) what it is like to feel it growing within me, to feel the burgeoning belly, (having the excuse to eat whatever it is I wanted), the impending life of duty and responsibility and not throwing caution to the wind.
I do not think I am ready for kids. I have never thought it. My thoughts about babies have always been because of the romance of a relationship and the desire to be so close to the other person that yahoo! out pops an 'Us'. I always agonise about how I would bring them up, if I ever had them. How I would teach them, make them good because being good and decent is not easy. People can so easily be selfish, slow, lazy, inconsiderate, tactless and all the other stuff……and yes, just like I just admitted to a colleague the other day, I realise that I am pessimistic. That is my outlook in life. I prepare for the worst case scenario, I like to think of it as being realistic and prepared. If I prepared for the worst then whatever is the sub-part will already have been covered!
Coming back to having one of my own…..I see many kids go right and even more kids go wrong. Honestly, I don't even like kids very much. Only when they're cute can I muster up enough of a something to try to talk with them or play with them but I inevitably get bored. (Kinda like my friends accusing me of starting conversations with random people then letting them pick up the conversation when I get bored and silent!) I even hate kids sometimes. I hate them when they run amok and scream their giddy little heads off. I always seethe when parents apparently develop hearing loss when their kids do that and continue reading the paper or having their meal. I guess if I had 300 decibels trumpeting in my ears all day long, I would also become deaf!!
I've always had a strict sense of discipline. My friends always used to lament that my kids would be sooooo terrible afraid of me. They don't say that anymore….I guess when one hits the big 30 without any indication of wanting kids, you tend to realise the kids-to-be are better off…..
I tell myself that as long as I only like certain parts of children (like cute faces, tiny hands and feet, your miniscule daughter smiling pixie-like up at you or the feeling of your big grown son hugging you - note the non-mention of screaming, crying, talking back, weird in between years….) then I shouldn't have them. The responsibility is for a lifetime and not something you can undo and I just don't feel at all ready for it.
Perhaps I am selfish, I want my freedom to do the things I want. I don't want to spend 2 hours getting ready to go out with my kid. I don't want to have to pick up after a little being and I cannot handle the responsibility of teaching them the right path. God knows, I sometimes have the greatest conflicts inside myself - how can I be right enough to bring someone else up?????
A lot of people step onto the path of motherhood and fatherhood because it is the next logical thing to do and they wing it as best they can. Which is fine….for them….but not for me. Even the thought of marriage for me now is a little daunting. I swing between wanting to commit to someone special for the rest of my life because I can't imagine ever wanting anybody else and fear that it will turn sour just like the other 50% of marriages that end in divorce. The fear of being hurt, being lied to, being made fun of, being irritated. People do not realise that when you marry someone, it is supposed to be forever, I don't necessarily subscribe to 'for worst' because I think that when you love and like and care enough for the other person, I think you just knuckle down and it's alright - it's not the 'worst'. But even the most comfortable life can be sterile and boring if he isn't the right one. Sigh…..I used to have an easier view of life and marriage. Now I think too much within my own head.
Needless to say now that I say I do not think about having kids of my own, I shall probably end up wanting and having a football team! Go Figure!