Sunday, November 20, 2005

Hi All,

I realise that it's been almost a month since I last wrote. For those of you who are interested in knowing, things are definitely getting better. I am no longer so emotional, I no longer get bogged down by obessive thoughts, I don't wake up in the morning ANGRY at certain thoughts and I don't go to bed at night still consistently wondering and getting upset.

I was in Singapore recently, prior and after my 'holiday'to Taiwan.....which, sorry to say, was not to my taste. Firstly, I couldn't understand the language that well (which is entirely my fault I know) but also the sights and sounds and food that we were able to partake of and in, I was not impressed with. Gosh, was it worse than Singapore - this question to those of you who know how much I actually dislike Singapore!

That aside for Singapore, there were all these signs which so caught my attention - they kept asking "Do you feel like staying in all day?", "Do you feel that nobody cares?"......etc (Malaysia has recently started it on radio too but somehow, I feel the Singapore campaign gets to me more because it more accurately describes the feelings of a depressed person. When I saw the campaign, I felt like I should call because even though I DO NOT feel suicidal (not in the least), I wondered about feeling some of the symptoms! (Gosh, can't believe I'm writing this here for everyone to see!)

Another eye opening experience in Singapore, people who are depressed will identify very closely with the protagonist in 'Prozac Nation' - a book I had never read before then and a movie I have not seen in its sister says the girl (I forget her name) is pathetic - yes, she is......and she can't help it. That's probably what people never understand, it can't be helped - at least not for the time being.

I only hope that whatever I experienced, it makes me a better stronger person, more able to help others in need of my experience, my coming out of it, my strength, my maturity. I don't know if I feel hope - it seems to be the right thing to say, but I don't think I feel that.

Abraham Lincoln said "Most people are only as happy as they make up their minds to be" (so accredited the Singapore Her World or Female magazine) and that made my mind up for me. I think time also helped......time does heal.

And also, when someone has hurt/disappointed you so badly time and again, you forget how to feel for that person anymore. It's a defense mechanism your heart and mind adopts because it's a survival instinct, I guess for those who still have the will to survive.

I also learnt that though other people may have undergone what I have undergone, some worse no doubt, my pain is my own and no one, no matter how much they want to help, can help me. Perhaps it's because of the person I am, I have to learn myself and I have to solve my problems myself, I keep it all inside - hence my surprise at me writing this out on the internet (but perhaps it will help someone).....I think it's fine if I am this way, wanting and needing to do it all myself, as long as I never reach the bottom, as long as I never feel worthless, I can always climb out of the well. Those who can't, should reach out for help but sometimes people don't know how to help - which is why we have organisations like Befrienders!

I have a friend who's gone through depression once, didn't help me much so I myself am not sure how writing about this can help anyone else because though the experience may be similar in itself but the pain and the healing process is different for different people. (think I am just rambling now) I feel I have so much to say, most of it may be nonsense but....

I honestly, must say though that the days don't always start and occur and end happily, sometimes I have my down moments but generally, it's better because I don't obssess anymore and by not doing that anymore, I don't allow anyone to hurt me so much anymore.

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