Ok, so I've not mentioned this here in this blog at at all but I am pregnant - 35 weeks this Wed to be exact. And I am kinda freaked out.
I'm spending a night alone here while JH works late tonight. Just penciling in some thoughts to my pregnancy book and had some incredibly nerve-wracking flashes so I thought I'd share with you.
Baby Boy is coming along...... He will be coming along soon and sitting down and thinking about it just brought home the fact that this is actually the easiest part of the pregnancy - then the delivery (which will also be easy) and after that is where the REAL experience really starts! When he's here!
I am not sure I know how to handle this. I wonder how JH and I will handle it, how will we cope? Will we be stressed out? Or overjoyed and parental mannerisms and attitudes just come naturally? I don't know how I am going to hold him or bathe him or change him! I just told my MIL the other day that I am a planner but I have no idea how I'm going to plan about Baby Boy at all...I mean I can buy all these stuff, but planning how long I will sleep with him or how I would love to breastfeed him if we can both work hard enough at it to make it work...e.t.c......
This is scary! Downright scary! I've always said there will be a Humongous change to our lives but it's never held as much truth as it does now and it will strike home even more when he's come! So, no more just waking up and deciding to go out for breakfast so we just get a shower and throw some clothes on.....but I mean is it really as 'bad' as that? And wouldn't just popping out of bed to peek at him snoozing away cutely and chubbily be worth more than a breakfast outside?
I could go on and on but basically, I just wanted to share that having a baby never seemed as real as it did tonight and never scared me more, as yet....., because he's still in me now. Which is different but not soooo much, and I've had to go through some stuff I've never really gone through before.....but soon he'll be here and life will never be the same again. For myself individually, for Ju Han individually, and for both of us together as a couple. We will have a B.A.B.Y! - a human being we made, together, it's just too big to comprehend! And we will be responsible for him for the rest of our lives!
And EVEN scarier - it's not just that we are responsible for him - but we will care and love him and that will somehow open us up and make us that much more vulnerable to hurt and pain because we do want things to be good for him, and if they aren't, WE're the ones who are going to hurt and worry.
I'm scared. I really am.