Sunday, August 27, 2006

So many things, so little time....

I had so many ideas of thoughts and opinions (even anecdotes) I wanted to share with everybody in the past few weeks but then I never get the time to log in and write.

I wanted to write about The Power of Love.....of Religion. I've seen a couple of friends fall by the wayside and even had one tell me (from the horse's mouth) that why she faltered when hard times came along is because she didn't have religion while I did (She had asked me how I got over my personal 'tragedy'). Now you know I am the last one to preach but I think it's true. I know that whatever decisions I have made and all actions I have taken have mostly at some point or another come from my faith in my religion. When I faltered, when I regretted, when I cried, when I was broken, I just went back to my religion and draw strength from that. I do not know if it is 200 percent right or true but everyone needs something to hold on to. And god knows, I have been broken lots this past year. Why? Because I have a naive, idealistic view of people I love - that they can do no wrong, or that they would never hurt others knowingly, that they would put others first before themselves but it's not (always) true.

However, I WILL NOT let that change my beliefs or my principles. I will still continue to be strong, to put others I love first before myself simply because I cannot hope to do otherwise. Even if I wanted to, I couldn't. I guess that's the difference - I couldn't even if I wanted to - naivete to the highest extreme but what the heck, it's me!

I have a simplistic view of people in my life - those that are important to me and those who aren't. Those who are, I cannot turn my back on them no matter the expense to myself, those who aren't, ....I don't really think about. Maybe it's because I do not expend much time and effort on those who aren't important to me that I have the luxury of always thinking of those who do.

So, it's actually a nice chemistry and combination of religion and personal ideals (do no evil, be good, have a good heart, do unto others what you would have others do unto you - can I say the same thing in more different ways???), that brings me to myself. A self I have discovered at 30! I have been told I have a soft heart and a tough exterior. Is that true? For you to find out.

(For those of you who are thinking, I am not writing very well or cohesively tonight - yes, it's because I'm tired, apologies)

Another thing I wanted to talk about is Local TV. Number one - the variety and multitude of bland reality shows available. Somebody ought to stop all these singing competitions. I had a terrible time with Malaysian Idol 2 and now with One in A Million (of which I think either Dayang should win or one of the boys - only happened to catch one episode) and Protege and Mentor and Akademi Fantasia and Digiteen and Celcomteen and all that crap. Come on man, although I must say the talent levels of Protege and AF are better than Malaysian Idol or OIAMillion. But nobody does anything differently. They're all the same, there is no ooomph, no style, no wow factor - though at least Protege and Mentor and AF teach the kids, the whole works so they understand what it is to be a performer instead of just walking out on stage and singing.

Heck, if Amazing Race can get boring, then you better believe it that these singing thingies have a much earlier expiry date!!!!

Gol and Gincu is quite cool though - the other day I watched this episode where Putri said 'I can trust Eddy, he will never hurt me' and actually blurted out laughing! Of course I had the omnipresence of a tv watcher but girls say these inane things all the time, I've been guilty of it, but now I know better! And then at the end of the episode......she goes 'How could I have been so stupid??!!!' Join the club girl! I've been there too!

This reminds me of an old Chinese saying, 'You can never say a man is good or bad until the four nails in his coffin have been nailed down'. Lord, is that true or what??!! See, there is wisdom in old wives' tales.

At lunch the other day too, a friend told me, never trust a man completely, never have expectations that are too high of him. Is that true? I'm sure it is, but how can I love a man and not trust him? How can I build a life with somebody and not expect him to be good/great? Because I can only expect him to reach and aim for higher than where he is now right - which should be pretty good in itself already if I chose to be with him......I cannot love at 90 percent! I must love at 130 percent but ''that will only get you hurt!!!'' friends lament!

Bleah - men, relationships - if you're looking for lovey dovey mushy stuff here on this website, you gotta wait a while. Because where I am now, no man can be trusted to put someone else first before them when the going gets tough - like a friend said, it's prioritisation (I believe it's true so I'm sharing it), he'd rather hurt you than himself.

Hopefully, one day I will stop being distrustful (just a teeny bit, mind you) of men out there and meet someone who can put these fears to rest. And I will read back on my blogs and think, I wrote with a tinge of disappointment, unhappiness, sore-ity (hahahaah) but I am glad to have been proven wrong.

By the way, about TV still - I love Lee Hom. Never noticed him before but a Chinese guy who is good looking, stylish and speaks's not just 'Celcom, the power is in your hands', but 'I am in your hands!'. Hahahahahhaahahaaa, don't be shocked! If you work with you, you will know I talk like this everyday at lunch!

Props out to Szu Ping whom I did not mention in my last blog for wishing me happy birthday - sorry darling! I saved the best for last!

I want a puppy! My friend gave me these 'out of this world' earrings for birthday, they are too precious! When I get my own notebook, I will start putting more pics up and then everyone can envy my gorgeous earrings and hair and self.....ahahahahahhaa..

By the way, travelling soon, can't wait! TIBET!!!!!!!!!!! It's going to be good!

Desperately Seeking Murli!!!!

Hey man, call me - number is still the same (maybe)....but anyway, I have no way of getting in touch with you - no email address. But yes let's meet first weekend of Sept right? Mmmmm....write to my yahoo.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Lessons in Life

Well, I have now officially joined the 30 Club! (Just type 'turning 30' in google and be entertained!) It's something that I am the first to do among my close circle of school friends. Not the first time I am celebrating a birthday without them by my side, not the first time I am spending a birthday without my family by my side but the first time I am celebrating a birthday without a man by my side. (To feminists out there who are already yelling ‘You don’t need a man to be happy’ or tuning in to the PussyCat Dolls song ‘I Don't Need A Man', yes I know I don’t need a man to be happy but for better and not worse ((hehe)) I would prefer to have the one I love by my side). And for something that’s not happened in the last 17 years, it took a little getting used to.

But anyhoo, it was a very nice birthday. I had a great confirmation of love and respect from my team members at work – now for those of you who remember last year, the atrocities I used to grumble about regarding work, they’ve all taken a turn for the better this year and I am so grateful for it. I couldn’t bear to take on personal and professional problems together this year of the Dog 2006! And I had like a million friends who all took the time and effort to remember my birthday and wish me – props to Lisa, Melinda, Thing May, Janice, Mum (but not DAD!!!!), Shanthi, Liz, Sookie, Anizah, Adzam, Kong Wai, Fungky, Cynthia, David A, Anita Abdul Rahim (whom I have not heard from in AGES!!!!), Mark B, Elene, Mei, Chitra, Sri, Ayn, Trish, Sherine, Shamini, Ashifa, Amutah, Logs, PY, Audrey, Jim, Shanthi N, Amy, Wendy……………..

It’s like I told Anizah, I may have lost 1 person but its opened up a whole new world of friends to me. I am blessed to have the friends that I have and for them to come out in full force to show me the impact I have made on their lives is greatly fulfilling.

I also see a difference in my appreciation of my friends these days – I used to be completely wrapped up in 1 person, my life revolved around him, my schedule revolved around him, my habits and hobbies revolved around him but now, I do charity work, I go clubbing (sometimes), I go to the gym, I read more, I do my laundry more regularly (hehehehe). I get to make the time to do what I need to do basically, instead of trying to steal time from my time with him to do normal stuff. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t regret it, I loved spending time with him but being without him now, gives me much more opportunity to do what I want to do and what I need to do. I’m sure my employer prefers it more this way too – since I don’t rush off from work the moment I can, to go home to him.

Sure it gets lonely or boring sometimes but you win some and you lose some eh?

So I had some birthday songs, a cake, some gifts, some cards, it was fantastic. I was rushing around work a lot too – everybody needed something done……, so it felt like an extremely fruitful day which makes me feel GLAD TO BE ALIVE AND 30!!!!!!!

Yesterday too, the Corporate Social Responsibility Club organized an AIDS Awareness Week at the office and I helped sell quite a bit of merchandise of which the proceeds go to the Malaysian Aids Foundation – MAF. Our Club also wants to print up our own AIDS Support t-shirts for sale and some of the slogans we came up with/found, I felt were so fantastic I would have bought every t-shirt design. For example:

Don’t Be A Fool, Cover Your Tool
Stigmatisation = Discrimination
Support Malaysian Agriculture, Use a Rubber

These are just some.

I must confess a Boo Boo I committed when helping out at a Charity Sale for the Spastic Children’s Association of Selangor and Federal Territory. I was looking for a plastic bag to pack all the merchandise this woman had bought from us. I found one ratty looking one under the table and I wondered aloud if she would mind it being a little ‘cacat’. She took offense (albeit very gracefully and politely) at the word ‘cacat’ because apparently her daughter was afflicted with a “Big Head”. She called her daughter ‘Special’ and I guess that is the politically correct term.

I felt terrible having used the C word but looking at the other side of the coin, I don’t think it actually matters that much what people call it (the condition). What matters most is what your loved ones and yourself think. For argument’s sake, (and I know I may get a lot of hate mail for this but bear with me and reserve comment for now) if people deem it a cacat condition, then yes, fine, cacat. What is so wrong or bad about this word? Poor word I think, because it was coined for everyday usage, never intending for itself to be a pariah among other words but its maker (people) has made it so.

(Killing myself here but) Some definitions from online BM dictionaries:

Cacat =
defective; handicapped; deformed
disabled, defect, flaw, blemish

I think the more people accept a certain condition and accept that ‘a rose by any other name would smell as sweet’, we would live easier lives. A word is a word is a word. There is nothing good or bad about it except the connotation and definition that people give to it. Everybody has flaws and defects – however, of course, there is the severity of the defect that is important here and how much it impacts the quality of life of the inflicted person. But still, a flaw and a defect is a fact of life. You cannot pretend it isn’t there – just like AIDS and TB and Leprosy…..- the best thing you can do for people who have ‘special’ conditions is to accept them as they are, treat them as you would everybody else and help each other when help is asked for.

Laziness is a flaw, lying is a flaw, inconsideration is a defect, having a ‘heart of stone’ is a defect……see my point?

FYI: Did you know that in some parts of the US, ‘special’ means dumb or mentally slow, but used as a slang word?

(A word to all those who are now itching to comment on my blog and give me a piece of their mind – I will not be responding to your comments because I have said what I have to say and I believe in it. As is my motto always, there are only a handful of people in the world whose opinions I really care about.

I did not intend to disrespect anybody with my thoughts and comments above and I am appreciative of and sensitive to the conditions some people are in – however, I think physically challenged people do get on with their lives very well and they have come to accept themselves, perhaps you ought to too!

I am never sure when to offer help and when not to though, because sometimes you can get your head bitten off – “Why would you think I need your help???”)